Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins Review: Henry Golding Miscast As Ninja In Joyless Spin-Off

Crazy Rich Asians breakout Henry Golding takes a crack at action in this risible spin-off/prequel/reboot of the dormant G.I. Joe franchise about the titular lone wolf’s early days prior to becoming a free-world defender. As a non-G.I. Joe fan, I approached Snake Eyes — directed by Robert Schwentke (R.I.P.D, The Divergent Series: Insurgent) — as a martial arts flick, and boy, what a colossal disappointment this is. The British-Malaysian actor said countless times that he trained his butt off on the swordplay but the hard work, sadly, rarely pays off onscreen. The Japan-set movie is high on stunts but low on actual thrills — substandard John Wick brawls that relied on over-editing and shaky camera work. So much so that it’s difficult to tell whether it’s Golding or his stunt double in some scenes — it’s all a blur. (Good luck keeping track of his inconsistent American accent because the director sure didn’t.) As dashing as Golding is, he’s painfully miscast here: he simply lacks the badass presence to elevate his character in what’s essentially a joyless Yakuza-vs-ninja power struggle that leans heavily on cultural and ethnic stereotypes (the three credited writers are white). More interesting is Andrew Koji, the star of the Bruce Lee-inspired Cinemax series Warrior, who injects pathos into his limited role as Snake Eyes’ brother-in-arms and future nemesis Storm Shadow. They should’ve focused the origin story on him instead. (2 /5 stars)

What happens when the snakes in Snakes on a Plane are replaced with vampires? Ta-da! You get this bonkers German-Czeh production from director/co-writer Peter Thorwarth. The Last Kingdom’s Peri Baumeister plays a single mother who alongside her 10-year-old son are onboard a hijacked New York-bound plane. Unbeknownst to the captors (fronted by Prison Break’s Dominic Purcell), she’s a vampire. When she reveals her fangs, all hell breaks loose. Thorwarth does a smashing job crafting suspense and scares from the vessel’s claustrophobic setting — in the bowels, down in the galley and luggage areas — without losing sight of the central mother-and-son story. (3.5/5 stars) On Netflix

Bouncer Kate Beckinsale has an impulse-control condition that’ll make her fly into a murderous rage at the slightest provocation. To manage her anger, she wears a shock-discharging vest. When her almost-boyfriend Jai Courtney turns up murdered, she goes on a rampage to track down his killers. The Crank-meets-Lucy high concept is promising but the execution falls short on the gonzo-ness… very short. The fury machine is all revved up, but it never takes off — it just burns rubber, doing donuts. It feels more like a pilot for a streaming series, and sadly, not a very exciting one at that. Infuriating. (2/5 stars)

Karen Gillan plays a hitwoman, who after a botched gig, turns to her estranged mum (Lena Headey) and a sorority of women assassins (Angela Bassett, Michelle Yeoh and Carla Gugino) for help. Despite the wobbly serio-comic tone, a distracting ‘protect-the-kid’ subplot and the absence of a formidable nemesis, the English-language debut of Israeli director Navot Papushado (Big Bad Wolves) is an audacious, gleefully aggressive, hyperactive action flick. Gillan’s nifty gun-fu moves — including some Jackie Chan-inspired stunt-foolery where she fights with her immobilised arms — are a blast. Is it too late to get her to join the John Wick 4 cast?​​​​​​​(3/5 stars)